A while back I wrote a post on eight seemingly “little” (but really not little) ways women undermine themselves with their words.
We add the word “just,” to shrink the power of what we are saying, “I just think…” “I’m just the local manager…” We use tentative questions, when we really have a statement to share. We discount what we are about to say: “I’m no expert, but…”
Of course, sometimes we do this strategically, in order to not be threatening, but quite often, we overestimate how much we need to do this, or we do it simply because these diminishing speech habits have become reflexes.
Today, I want to talk about one habit in particular. In my Playing Big course, most participants see this one as holding them back the most.
It’s the rushing/piling up words thing.
So many of us (including yours truly) have the bad habit of piling more and more on in our speech. We link a bunch of phrases together with and, so, but, because – and never really get around to putting a period on the sentence and starting a new one. Plus we rush, speaking fast, never stopping to pause.
The next time you find yourself doing this, feel what is happening for you. What you feel might run deep. A deep discomfort with the truth of what you really have to say. A fear about how the other person might react. A fear that what you have to say couldn’t be smart enough if it was said in just a few words. A fear of the power you actually hold: the power to lay it on the table, simply, put a period on it, and allow a silence in the space.
Among all the great powers that are our inheritance as human beings – the power to choose, the power to act, the power to love – we were also given this great power: the power to say it simply, put a period on it, and wait in the silence. Our ability to speak directly, simply, succinctly is one our mightiest, sacred powers – and it one many women still shy away from.
I invite you to run an experiment this week.
1. Slow down your speech.
2. Punctuate. Do not pile on 7 run on clauses on top of each other, or connect clause after clause with “and” or “so.” Get friendly with the short (less than 7 words), simple sentence and intersperse those with longer ones. Short, simple sentences sound like this: “I disagree.” “I am so proud of you.” “I’d like to see the company become more family friendly.” “I am prioritizing my artwork this month.”
3. Pause. Take a breath. Get friendly with brief moments of silence in between your sentences, and when you conclude what you are saying.
Click below to listen a short audio version of this post. I share an example of the two different ways of speaking so you can hear it aloud. If you are reading over email, click here for the audio.
Tell me in the comments: are you aware (maybe newly aware after reading this post) that you don’t pause or punctuate in your speech? What do you think is the root cause of that for you? And, if you are taking on the challenge I’m posing above, let me know you are in.
Love,
Tara
Thanks for this enlightening reminder, Tara.
Not only do I catch myself doing this when I speak, but I do it when I write, too! Just yesterday, I realized I needed to deliberately add some “periods” to a blog post I had written.
Since my blog writing style is very much like my speech, I saw very clearly what a rambling mess of unclear chatter my stream of consciousness can be.
Certainly, this is not the best communication style for purpose-driven messaging.
Your post here made me smile. I’m reminded to speak consciously, with attention to the way the words are being received, rather than to just the way I am thinking them.
Wishing you well- Nanette
Tara, thank you for this visual and audio reminder to pause. I will be challenging myself to use shorter sentences and be comfortable with the pause.
Language is inner and speech reflects the condition.
I am currently working on discovering my voice in a new position at work and this is helpful information to consider. Also, I read this article on NPR this morning http://www.npr.org/blogs/itsallpolitics/2012/05/21/153024432/sophomoric-members-of-congress-talk-like-10th-graders-analysis-shows and was initially concerned with the information. The information about “the pause” and shortening up your sentences is helping me to view the article from a different perspective!
Well observed and well said, Tara. A few things…1. I find that my speech patterns vary depending on my level of ease with the person to whom I am speaking. The greater the ease, the better the flow of speech, of course. However, form doesn’t have to follow function: the very act of slowing down and adding the “backbone” of pauses and punctuation can lead to greater ease and hence greater strength and impact of communication. 2. It is worth remembering that we are all products of our particular culture(s), so living in the US, where there is a dread of “dead air” (radio-speak, I believe, for what happens when I broadcaster falls silent; verboten in the broadcast world.) I think this has unconsciously influenced many of us in our speech patterns in daily life. 3. Beware the words which can weaken speech because they are overused and thus largely meaningless. The words “so” and “very” come to mind. (Meaning “so” as an intensifier. It is largely misused…it generally should appear as part of a phrase with this structure “…SO + adjective THAT…” (as is, “so hot that the butter melted within seconds.”) If you just use it to strengthen a sentence on it’s own, it can render the sentence juvenile or flabby. 4. It’s worth reading and listening to moving speeches by great orators to see just how powerful slowing down and varying sentence structure can be. All right, Tara, down off my soap box for the day–many thanks for your wonderful columns.
Completely with you on clarity, short sentences, no run-ons.
Not so sure about slowing down. In most corporate cultures I’ve worked in, people speaking slowly simply get interrupted. What’s your experience?
Oh wow, now that you said it out loud I can’t ignore it anymore. I do this ALL the time, and it really hinders communication especially in my relationship.
I now see how most of our arguments start: I try to explain how I feel
–> I try to include all reasons and consequences of that feeling
–> end up with way too complicated sentences
–> my hubby can’t get my point and gets frustrated
–> I get frustrated
–> and there we go.
Why is it so hard to just say “I feel sad”, without overly analyzing and reasoning it?
Maybe growing up with the jokes and stereotypes about hysterical women has made me think that to be taken seriously I have to show evidence of logical causalities for my emotions. In any case, once again you’ve opened my eyes, Tara.
… and then there are those of us who fear not having enough to say … our processors seem to be working more deliberately, more slowly than do our mouths, and we think, sometimes, it’s easier to be silent. We are called “good listeners” … 🙂
~ Jane
I’m SO guilty of adding “so” into my speech and I think it’s because if I don’t get a reaction from my listener when I’ve completed my thought, then I haven’t gotten my point across “so” I continue on and on … until I’ve flogged the idea. I must learn to appreciate the pause and to give permission to my listener to think about what I’ve said and respond in their own time. Thanks!
Tara,
This is so important. I’ve been aware of the power of brevity in my email communication and this takes it to a new level. My unnecessary wordiness falls into two categories, justification and defensiveness, neither of which I value. Thank you for helping me to this insight. I will be using your technique, starting now.
Thank you for your illustration of this technique in the audioclip. I thought that I understood; after listening to your illustration, I realized I had not quite understood it just as you meant it. I did not know it, but I needed this. Thank you again.
There is something terrifying for me about the pause. Somehow I have come to equate that little bit of silence with an invitation for others to pass judgement. That bit of silence can also allow whatever I am saying to truly sink in — not just for the listener, but for myself. And it suddenly becomes harder to keep up the brave front. When I’m talking about something that is emotional or difficult, it is hard for me to pause. I think I fear feeling the emotions too acutely. But last week, I made a brief presentation to a group of friends and used the pause to take a deep breath and to gather my thoughts. It was still frightening, but it also allowed me to really connect with the people in front of me. So yes, I’m all in! This is a practice worth cultivating.
Nanette- thanks! glad it made you smile!
Laurie – please come back and post a comment about what you discover as you try it out!
June – so many interesting points you make. I think that connection to broadcasting is so interesting. It made me think, more broadly, about the lack of silence in our lives. Perhaps that is contributing to our sense of needing to fill every moment of our speech with sound.
Tess- that’s interesting – I haven’t experienced that. Actually I find a lot of corporate C-level folksI hear speak quite slowly and simply…hmmm…
Nina – so glad this was helpful to you and it helped you see things differently!
Jane – I vote for the world where we are all skilled listeners and we are all sharing our voices too! I don’t see it as one or the other…
Colette & Carrie – YES! Try it out and let me know how it goes!
Kamila- so glad it was helpful for you.
Erika – your observations are so wise. Thank you for sharing them.
Perfect timing! I’m practicing a presentation I’ve giving to a group of young professionals (and my ideal clients) tomorrow. Will practice pausing and talking in clear, clean sentences. Thank you for the reminder!
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