How do you change the color of the sky?
I’ve always been a bit mystified when I hear personal growth and life coachy folks telling us to love ourselves more — as if this was something we could simply choose to do.
How we feel about ourselves is like the color of our inner skies. If we could just change the color to a prettier one, we would.
A few weeks ago, in my post about giving up addictions, I almost gave one of those unhelpful prescriptions. I wrote: “This isn’t about affirmations. We need to actually feel that deep self love.”
Jennifer added this comment on the post:
“My self-love isn’t quite what it could be. You say “We need to actually feel that deep self love that comes up like a wave and, with its fierce energy, pushes us past our habitual ways into the new unknown.” I don’t feel that. I’ve come a LONG way from where I was, and I definitely believe that I love myself, but I don’t FEEL it in my body. I’d love to hear you talk more on how to get to that point.”
Here’s a follow up post on the puzzling topic of how we actually get there — how we actually can come to feel deep self love.
What I know is this:
It’s a mysterious and mystical process. There is no map or tip sheet.
Trying to be self-loving is something we can do in any instant, but actually feeling self-love? That’s not something we can do immediately on cue.
Self-love arrives because of grace, and because we’ve laid the foundation for it slowly, consistently, over time.
Here’s what helped form that foundation for me:
1. People who love me well.
I’m a little surprised when I think about how important this has been for me, because in general I tend to think inner change drives most everything. Yet the presence of loving people in my life — an “outer” thing – has undoubtedly taught me to be more loving to myself.
Through their behavior, the people around us tell us a story about ourselves.
Their respect or disrespect for us,
their kindness or harshness,
their support or their rebukes
all tell us a story about who we are.
Who are the people in your life who love you well, who keep showing you — through their words and their behavior — your own basic goodness, worthiness, enoughness? How can you spend more time with them and increase their influence on your soul?
2. A loving higher power.
The thing is, however, all people are flawed and hurt and limited. Their love for us will be too. That is why it is so powerful to also learn one’s lovability from a much greater power.
If you believe that God, or the Universe, or Life or Nature or whatever you want to call it loves you,
If you feel that love daily in prayer or meditation or on your morning walk or while listening to a favorite song or gazing at a mountain or whatever it may be for you,
it becomes harder and harder to treat yourself poorly.
3. Doing what brings us joy.
Doing the things that bring us joy also brings self-love. I’m not sure why this is true, but it is. Maybe because when we do what we love we become filled up with love — and that love can’t help but spill back into how we treat ourselves. Maybe because joy gives us so much energy that we find the stamina to change our old ways. But my best guess is this: when we do what brings us joy we come into contact with our souls, and our souls carry none of our egos’ baggage about our unworthiness or guilt. When we do what we love, we access a kind of “just being,” and from there, self-love is natural.
Doing what brings me joy — writing, seeing art, dancing, being connected to others, being in beauty — is a path to self-love as much as it is an embodiment of it.
4. Doing the work.
And we also must do the work.
Experience by experience, mistake by mistake, we can look at those old cob-webbed thoughts about how we aren’t worth it, or why we can’t prioritize ourselves, or why we are flawed.
We try on a new thought, a new narrative with ourselves — even though it feels strange and foreign and impossible to believe.
We do this slowly, unglamorously, attentively, for days and weeks and months.
We work steadily on making change in our inner garden, not sure if it’s paying off at all. We weed and plant in the dark, not quite able to see any results of our work.
***
When we do these things — experience the love of loving people, experience the great love of a power much larger than us, do what brings us joy, and refresh our old ways of thinking, we lay the foundations for greater self-love.
And then
And then
one day, when we need it, when life hits us with something,
a storm, a shock, a tragedy, a violation
a stronger, greater self-love
is there – waiting there for us
ready to carry us through.
Love,
Tara
***
I agree entirely that there’s no direct path. But these are wonderful starts. Thank you for this, Tara (and also for the great post on addiction).
I suspect that doing things that give me joy develop self-love because I start feeling gratitude to myself for permitting that joy.
After years and years of saying to myself “no you can’t do [pleasant activity] because you must work/tidy/prepare/learn/there’s no time”, just allowing myself to enjoy myself invokes this sense of “hey – thanks, kind lady – I really enjoy this, and you’ve provided it”.
Even with very small things – I first noticed when I was in a depressive funk and started making small changes like making my sleeping area nice for myself before I left the house, so it was nice and ready for me when I got back in the evening. I remember noticing the gratitude I felt to myself for doing it.
Thank you Tara – YES!
Once I allowed healthy relationships to enter my life, I began to notice that these friends mirrored my true self to me often enough that I began to believe them, and started to see these good things in myself. When that self worth dragon reared it’s head, I’d literally think: My friend doesn’t think this about me – she thinks I am warm-hearted and fun and funny.
I often say my soul is inspired and it craves inspiration. Fun fun fun is my mantra. Joy and peace are possible at higher vibrations – so if I feel down or sluggish, I find something to do that makes me laugh or get in touch with the sense of loving life. No judgements about what that is… just do it 🙂
Thank you Tara – glad you’re here 🙂
Robin
Great post Tara! Thank you for this specific clarification on a path to greater self love! What especially hit me was the one about looking at and accepting the love we get from those around us. I would like to consciously appreciate the love I’m receiving from family and friends more. I’d also like to take a look at my friendships & see what story I’m allowing these connections to tell me about myself. Are they supportive or harsh? I’m going to make an effort to make some more friends who not only share an interest but with whom I feel valued as a person and in our dynamic we treat each other kindly.
Perfectly timed blog for me, Tara. I’m away from home working for 2 months with a new group of people. I started to feel so homesick recently and realized I wasn’t reaching out to enough people who truly love me. It makes a difference. Seeing yourself through the eyes of one who treasures you makes you feel whole.
Thanks, Tara for sharing your insight on planting the seeds of self love. It is a lifelong process.
Thanks for sharing this. I found that it started with realizing I wasn’t alone, and then slowly reaching out. Every time someone saw a little bit of the real me and still loved me. I loved myself a little more gracefully.
Thank you Tara. It really helps to know God the Father, His Son and the Holy Spirit intimately and to sacrifice and be ready to sacrifice anything and everything for Them at Their slightest command or even gentlest request .
Excellent post! Insightful and good teachings!
Tara, Thank you, thank you, thank you. Just what I needed to hear today.
No matter what my material circumstances have been, how little money I had, loving myself has always helped. Now I am more materially successful it really helps in the busyness of it all to be reminded of this, and of how to do it again! Thank you for becoming, through my mail box, one of those people around me that supports me. Your love and gentleness shines through your words. Marie x
Tara, thank you for your illuminating post. In my journey, and in me coaching with moms, I am always expressing the necessity of courageous self-love. I absolutely believe it’s the cornerstone to a happy, healthy life. While it sounds so simple, it is hard to know where to begin. Every time I say “it starts with loving yourself” a little gremlin goes off in my head, “Well, how are you going to do that??” Through being more compassionate with myself I’ve learned to like myself more, but what I feel for myself dims in comparison the the fierce love I feel for others, specifically my children. I wonder what it would feel like, and what I could be capable of, if I could turn that kind of love on myself? You provide me with a wonderful roadmap to continue the exploration.
Hi Tara, good post, good four points:
1. People who love me well;
2. A loving higher power;
3. Doing what brings us joy;
4. Doing the work.
An introvert, I find that self-love by doing these things, but in exactly the opposite order:
1. Doing the work – primes the pump;
2. Doing what brings me joy – spirit manifests itself in a way that other people can understand and connect with;
3. Calling upon that loving higher power – for which I am now prepared;
4. People who love me well – now I am prepared to connect the positive in them, without being affected by the negative.
Works every time. 🙂
Thank you Tara. Everything I read from you is completely beautiful.
How do we love ourselves when there are physicians that tell us we are overweight, when I try to love myself the way I am at the moment. It is really hard.
Thanks so much for this Tara. I have to admit, I got a big kick out of seeing my comment referenced — sometimes I think when I leave a note it just drops into a big black hole somewhere — so it was quite a treat to be acknowledged 🙂
This is probably one of the simplest and most direct explanations I’ve seen for how to develop that elusive self love I’ve been searching for. I love it because it actually seems doable! It also helped me realize what I’ve been lacking — on a good day I might have two out of the four points you reference. On a rough day, forget it. So now I’m ready to get to work on my garden. And I trust that one day, when I least expect it, I’ll pause from my work, look up at the sky, and it will be the most brilliant color I’ve ever seen.
“Yet the presence of loving people in my life — an “outer” thing — has undoubtedly taught me to be more loving to myself.” — this statement has definitely struck me. By loving others, I have discovered a lot and learned to start loving myself even more. This is a very great post, Tara. Thank you for sharing.
Hi Tara,
How really very perfect. It’s not only a prescription for loving yourself, but for living your life. You surround yourself with good people (good being right for you), you have a spiritual life to connect with pure perfect love, you have fun and you work hard. It’s so balanced between inner life and outer life, productivity and being.
Thank you!
Anna
There are not many individuals have the skill to demonstrate certain elements in their posts. You obviously have writing skills and hit a home run. Good work.
Thank you, Tara, for this post. I often don’t realize I’m not loving myself well enough until, well…I’m not. Another thing on this path to greater self-love that has helped me is to treat myself like I do my own best friend. When I can encourage, lift up, and really listen to myself and be gentle as I do for my best friends (all the time), I’m that much closer to practicing what self-love is all about. Oftentimes we say things to ourselves that we’d never allow anyone to say to our best friends, and that simple turnaround is golden. Thanks for the reminder that for each hardship that lies in front of us, there is a well of self-love right there waiting for us to tap into.
Great article, thank You !!