Last week, I had plans for brunch with a dear friend. We had set the date weeks before, and I was really looking forward to it. This is a friend I cherish, and I love spending time with her.
The day before we were supposed to meet, I got a text from her. “So sorry, but some big work deadlines came up and I can’t make it tomorrow. Let’s reschedule soon!”
My heart sank. I did something I often do when I’m in an icky emotional place: I didn’t respond. I didn’t mean to not respond, but I went into my pattern of, “Ouch. I don’t know how to respond right now. I’ll deal with it later.”
That same day, I started reading, Rising Strong
If you don’t know Brené Brown’s work, I’m thrilled to introduce it to you. I think of Brené as a courageous leader, an agent of change and a gifted communicator. She is a stunning example of a woman trusting her own story and voice enough to bring them forward in the service of helping all of us.
Rising Strong
In the book, Brené writes that anytime we have a strong emotional reaction to something, when our buttons get pushed, we can move through it in a positive way if we “reckon” with it.
In the Rising Strong model, that means we do two things:
We 1) engage with our feelings (rather than deny or repress them) and 2) we “get curious about the story behind the feelings.”
As I was reading Rising Strong
I used the Rising Strong model and asked myself, “What is the story behind these feelings?” There was a quiet, but familiar story there. “If she cancelled so casually, she must not value the time with me as much as I value it with her.” There was another story that went after that, “That’s because she’s so special and whole and together and wonderful, and I’m needy.”
Once I saw those old stories, I could have some compassion for myself. I could see how they were likely untrue. I followed Brené’s next steps – to rumble with the feelings of shame and unworthiness that were part of them – and to choose how I wanted to respond. It was clear to me: I didn’t want to live in that old story. I wanted to live a story of honesty, of honoring my emotions, and of connection.
I sent my friend an honest message back. “Happy to reschedule but I’m disappointed. I miss you and was really looking forward to this time together. And I felt a little hurt by your message because it seemed so casual about canceling.” This felt quite vulnerable to say.
The next time I checked my phone, my friend had written back with a heartfelt apology. She even said the minute she had pressed “send” she felt badly – like she didn’t communicate how she too was very disappointed and had been really looking forward to the time together. She explained that sometimes when she’s upset about something, she kind of writes it off in herself and with others, and she was working on that.
My heart immediately felt open and cheerful again, and I again felt all the reasons why I adore our friendship.
Though what made the difference was just one small choice to be honest and vulnerable, the gulf between the two possible outcomes that could have occurred was huge.
If I hadn’t been prompted by Rising Strong to look at the story around my emotions, to question it, and to choose my behavior from there, a sense of hurt and distance would have lived on in this friendship. And maybe even worse, I would have kept carrying that crappy old “she’s so wonderful; I’m not” story in my head and heart. Instead, I ended up feeling closer to my friend, and so solid in our friendship, and a little bit healed from that old story about myself.
This is only one of many, many ways that I’m looking at things in my life differently because of what is offered so generously on the pages of Rising Strong. I finished the last page and, like my toddler son does with his favorite truck books these days, went right from the back cover to page one to start it all over.
I hope you’ll join me in reading, and in Rising Strong
To get started today, ask yourself: what was the last thing that triggered a strong emotional reaction in me? What’s the story I’m carrying behind those emotions? Am I willing to question that story?
That’s just the beginning of the Rising Strong process. Learn the rest (and so much more) in the book. You can pick up your copy here
With love,
Tara
Tara, your personal story gave life to the process and of course, inspired me to go buy the book. Thanks
Hi dear. It is so true about our feelings that I had to study to become a counselor and then a life skills coach in other to find my answer. When preparing my lesson for the class for the”emotional conflict ” I came across an amazing book “Loving what is” by Byron Katie. I think a lot of our feelings are un investigated and not questioned. I loved every minute of my class and the lesson and it was two hours of questioning those feelings that are taboo to look at …… I love your Playing Big book and almost finished. My course in the community center is starting on September 16th til November 11th and can’t wait to bring all my learning from my education and all the beautiful books like yours as reference to my group. More power to you
this is really lovely, and i feel like i read it at just the right moment. getting my own copy now! thank you for sharing.
Hi Tara- I’m a huge fan of yours and I just finished reading “Playing Big”. And I have read all of Brene’s books. I am also from Houston (like Brene) and I am a Mom, entrepreneur, friend, sister and wife. I am thinking of attending the emerging women conference in SF as well. I own a fashion lifestyle brand named after myself- Elaine Turner. We have ten stores nationwide and one on Madison Ave in NYC. Our purpose is to use fashion as a platform to change lives. We are passionate about empowering women through education, inspiration and compassion. We host over 300 events each year in our stores and passionately give back to our charity partners. We feel very fortunate to have the opportunity to shine the light on many issues concerning women and children- mental illness, domestic violence, sex trafficking, autism and learning differences, breast cancer etc..
We are unafraid to shine the light on hard issues. We are unique in that we use fashion as platform to highlight these issues and to bring women together.
Its all about connection, communication and compassion!
Love your work and wanted to introduce myself.. Many blessings to you and your family. XO Elaine Turner
Ps I think the inner mentor visualization you developed is highly effective inn tapping into that sacred place of knowing.. Bravo!
Thank you! I loved reading this it is so much like my current situation. I have broken my foot and am home bound and moving really slow-which has given me the chance to watch my reactions, especially when someone doesn’t respond in the way I think they should, and then notice how my mind easily weaves an intricate full blown story of not belonging, not being valued, Which has nothing to do with the situation. Slowing down has been an eye opener for me.
Tara, thanks, as always, for sharing your story from a place of vulnerability. It gives me hope that we can continue to embody the idea that being vulnerable IS strong, graceful, and much needed in today’s world. – Erin
Hi Tara. Thanks for you post. I had never heard of Brene Brown until a couple of weeks ago when I was buying tickets for the fall talks at the San Francisco JCC. Brené’s talk was the first one to sell out — even before Gloria Steinem. Thanks for the introduction. It seems like a book well worth reading. ~ Ellen
Tara –
This was exactly what I needed to read right now.
I am struggling with what I deemed a “failure,” yet know that the real problem is the story I am telling myself about what it meant.
Thank you for showing me how to move forward.
I felt the lump in my throat begin to dissolve as I read your words. Thank you.
Hi Tara–
Just joined your community and I must say I really loved your post. So many times when I hold back I miss out on “real” connection. It takes courage and vulnerability to expose yourself. Thank you for reminding me of that. As a business owner and a coach sometimes I want to show that I have it together because I’m supposed to have the tools to, but I know that its okay to show that I don’t all the time. Everytime I am vulnerable people respond to me more. As I try to build my business this post was a good reminder of that. ~Franka from Houston, TX
Thank you Tara-
I don’t always have time to open your email posts but am always very glad when I ‘make’ or ‘take’ the time and it seems when I do, it’s always the very perfect time for me to receive the message you are carrying! I’m going through a big life transition as I’ve turned 50 this year …. I’ve been in active change new chapter manifestation /mode since June and while exhilarating and enlivening, it’s also put me in a vey vulnerable place with a lot of emotions getting stirred up – and a LOT of self doubt about all the change I’ve set into motion.
A friend mentioned Brene Brown the other day and I had no idea who she was, now I do! Thank you! I love the quote on the cover of her book: “If we are brave enough, often enough, we will fall” …. thank you for the simple yet powerful reminder to reckon with the emotions around falling and sharing your personal story about how the little things, the tiniest interactions can give rise to profound reflection and healing, if we hone in on them. Love!
Hi Tara,
Thanks for flagging Brene’s new book. She is running some workshops at The School Of Life here in London in November, which I am GUTTED to be missing as I will be in the U.S. – the irony!
Both you and Brene are huge inspirations to me. I am halfway through Playing Big and loving your work! I often gift my female coaching clients either Playing Big or Daring Greatly. Both are ‘must have’ manuals as far as my journey (so far) has been.
Sending you warm wishes from a cool and rainy London!
Amanda.
What a wonderful story, Tara. I have been in your shoes so many times, and have responded both authentically (which felt vulnerable) and more dismissively (in an attempt to “not make a big deal” of something). And the former always feels better, though sometimes it doesn’t get the response I long for. I need to read this book! xox
I have been so blessed to have stumbled upon for a gift for my husband. he loved all of her books too.
Brene Brown is one of the greatest teachers of our times. What a Gift!!
Thank you Tara!
A bad week at work and so this was just in time! I had seen Brene’s empathy vs sympathy video in the past and knew I needed to do more research but did not find the time. I have now watched both her Ted Talks and ordered her books!
Thank you for helping me start my vulnerability journey!
This message/love letter/how to live life more fully, really came at a most crucial time in my life. I always say”I am not a communicator” and use this as an excuse to shut down; end of friendship, end of trying anything just the end. Recently I have ben having such terrible physical problems and was told that the cause is emotional. of course, i rejected that statement out of hand. But, i remember reading recently fairly recently, and have been repeating, “You have to choose to be happy”
My friend and therapist encouraged me to go to the seaside with her just for fun. Of course when we got into the water she tuned the time into gentle stretching, having me float and splash, in short, I realised later, a therapeutic session. No fuss, no talking.
A complete gift. A gift that I only acknowledged to myself,to embarrassed to speak about it. Well, I will call my friend/therapst today.
Tara, how many ways are there to say thank you. I thank you for your frank, open letter, for sharing, and gently sharing as you show the way to wholeness. Thanks for recommending this new book.
Hi Tara,
Thank you so much for allowing yourself to be vulnerable and for sharing this story with us. This is particularly poignant for me because I’ve spent almost my entire life telling myself stories about what I thought or imagined someone else was thinking (and then transferred those imagined thoughts onto myself. Not pretty, as you well know.)
It has taken a lot for me to be able to change the story in my head and to be able to ask the necessary questions and/or to express myself so that I may obtain the answers I need. Getting that clarification is huge, just like you illustrated in this post. It allows us to be free(er).
This is my first time posting on your website; I lacked the courage before but this time around, I just felt the urge from the Universe to do so and am so glad that I did. Thank you for what you do. You have truly found your calling. I am so excited to read Brene’s new book!
Thanks for sharing your personal story. I could relate so well to those feelings of unworthiness. Also, it’s so good to find a way to express your negative emotions positively.
Hey Tara,
Thanks for sharing! Have you ever read the Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz? It helped me a lot with situations like this one, and I imagine it could you too. I’ll be sure to read Ms. Brown’s new book as well.