In my work with coaching clients, I often ask: “What do you want?”
What do you want — in this difficult situation?
What do you want – in your work?
What do you want — for your life?
The question can be disorienting. There we are, railing about the annoying person or the difficult circumstances or how we’re stuck, and then: “What do I want?” It’s a one hundred and eighty degree turn.
The question shifts the focus: from out there, toward others, to in here, toward ourselves. It moves our attention from the current reality to the desired future. It turns responsibility back to us.
If you are complaining about your impossible boss, “what do I really want?” stops your complaint. If you are railing about your dysfunctional industry, “what I do want?” stops the railing. If you are plagued by fear of failure, “what do I want?” moves your thoughts to a very different place.
“What do I want?” is the beginning of proactively creating our lives.
When I ask clients “what do you want?” I often use a tool to get at the answer: the dial. I made up the dial, it’s invisible, and here’s how it works:
Let’s say I’m talking with a client, Julie, about her desire to create better balance between work and family.
Tara: If you could have your work and family balance be any way you wanted, what would you want?”
Julie: Well, I’d have quality time with the kids. I’d be able to do after-school pick up from time to time. Occasionally I’d be able to work from home.
Tara: I hear you identifying three very clear things: quality time with the children, doing pick up from time to time, and occasionally working from home. What if we were to go even bigger? What if you could really create whatever you wanted? What if we were going to turn the dial up here, by 25%? Then what would it look like?
Julie: Well, hmm. I guess it would be everything I said above, plus, I wouldn’t feel like I was falling short in both my parenting at work. Also, I would work at home, not just occasionally but regularly, maybe once a week.
Tara: Alright, so I’m hearing that in addition to the time with the kids, there would be an internal change: you’d have a sense of satisfaction that you were doing enough in both your parenting and at work. And you’d work at home about once a week.
Now, what if we were to turn the dial up 25%, again? To go 25% more expansive, more wonderful, more too-good-to-be-true?
Julie: Well….my husband would also have more flexibility at his work. We’d have more family adventures — travel and in nature — the kinds of things I always imagined doing with my kids. I wouldn’t be in a work situation where facetime was important. I’d have time to do the things that really help me be a more centered mom and person – like yoga twice a week, and cooking a few times a week too. Neither work nor family would be dominant, and I’d feel like I had energy for both.
Now we are starting to get somewhere. Now Julie’s longings — and the authentic life that wants to be lived, is beginning to emerge. Now we are developing a real vision that can guide her choices.
We might turn the dial up a few more times. Each time, something new and vital would be revealed. Something that was obscured from her vision originally because somewhere along the way, it was deemed impractical, impossible, selfish, in some way – not okay.
It takes time to get to what we really want. We have to peel pack layers. We have to dig up things that got buried. We have to welcome shy dreams to the fore.
So today I want to ask you to think about what you want for some area of your life in 2011, and bring the dial with you.
Pick one area — maybe health or family or work or personal growth. Write what you want. Take in that answer. Then turn the dial up, 25% – what do you really want? Allow it to be bigger, greater, more daring, more wonderful-juicy-thrilling. Write that.
Now turn the dial up, again, 25% . Allow to it be even more ecstatic-wonderful-gorgeous.
What do you see?
Keep turning the dial up till you know you’ve hit it. The real dream. The resonant, thrilling, scare-ya-to-the-bones one. You’ll feel it when you get there.
Thoughts about its impossibility may rush in. That’s okay. Just note them and put them aside. And for goodness’ sake, please don’t jump into worrying about how to make it happen yet.
Just live with the big dream for a while. Live with it in your minds eye and your heart, and know you don’t need to do a thing right now. As you live with it, things are going to start to happen that will unfold the “how.” Don’t do the how-planning with a pad and paper and a bunch of anxiety and your left brain. Wait. Cook. Watch. Be open. Let the how unfold.
So you know what’s coming next. Take out your paper and pen. Take out the dial. And discover your dream, your compass. Your dream compass.
Love,
Tara
I love the dial idea! This is so very true: “It takes time to get to what we really want. We have to peel pack layers. We have to dig up things that got buried. We have to welcome shy dreams to the fore.”
It’s not just a process, though, it’s a scary process. I think we often don’t allow ourselves to articulate what we really want because we’re so positive we can’t actually make it happen. It’s a way to curb disappointment and frustration—to break up with the boy before he breaks up with you. Somehow we have to have enough hope to think that our deepest dreams could possibly, eventually, with work, become realities.
Tara,
I like the concept of 25% – it’s measurable and ambitious without being too overwhelming.
My next step is to find my 25%. Thanks for the nudging.
Alex
Great question, Tara! Like Kristin and Alex, I really like the dial/25% idea. It’s so easy to feel that we should settle for things being a *bit* better — and it can be hard to even imagine what an ideal life might look like.
tara ~
you have such a sweet, clear way of expressing these things – i enjoyed reading your words. in a world where people are rewarded for conforming to the status quo, it does often require much deep thinking to sort through and find our own dreams – dreams still alive and real, yet buried under the “have to” and “should” and “ought to” and so on.
the work you do helps people transform by uncovering that authentic desire – it’s a great reminder to keep turning up the dial until the real dream quivers in sight.
i agree with this 200% – “Be open. Let the how unfold.”
very wise words, indeed!
thank you.
julie
This is so simple and fantastic. I am going to do this tonight.
l.o.v.e t.h.i.s.
This is wonderful. Thanks. Found you through the HP blog.
This idea of incremental change makes our goals feel more attainable. Smaller steps, but we will still reach our destination. The image of the dial is super-helpful. Thanks, Tara. I can almost hear it — ratcheting up 25%.
Hi Tara,
It often takes me a few steps to discover the Truth/Fullness of my heart whisper. 25% makes those steps very doable and not as overwhelming as a huge transformational wave. Thank you!
l.o.v.e t.h.i.s.
Hi Tara,
I started asking myself “What do I want?” 2 years ago. You’re right – it turns the focus back on me, and gives me the power in my life. At the same time, since I wan’t used to asking myself that question, it’s been challenging. I especially have had to overcome the internal voice accusing me of being selfish. It’s been worth it, and my real life is unfolding.
Patricia
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