The Essential Skill

“Honey, want to set the table?”

That’s what we say, but what we really mean is

“Honey, I’d like you to set the table. Would you be willing to do that?”

Or we say,

“Let’s go hiking today.”

when what we really mean is

“I’d love to go hiking! Are you up for that?”

We say,

“We should do our taxes this weekend.”

When what we really mean is

“I feel stressed about the taxes and would like to get them done. Would you be up for doing them together this weekend?”

Read over these statements again. Notice how it feels to you to imagine saying the first question in each pairing, and then what feels different when you imagine saying the second.

For most of us, it feels much more comfortable to ask the first in each pair of questions.

But do you notice what’s missing in each of these statements? The “I.” And as a result, the truth is missing too.

Most of the time, we don’t express our requests or our preferences explicitly. We blur them, hide them, couch them.

Sometimes we do that because deep down, we aren’t sure if the request is fair. We feel guilty about it. Or we don’t want the disappointment or frustration of a clear “no” – so we don’t frame our requests as questions at all. Much of the time, we are uncomfortable simply because making requests is vulnerable — it requires sharing openly what we want, and, in some way, asking for help, for teamwork. It is also difficult, because it puts the responsibility on us to discern what we want and ask for it rather than being vague about it and expecting our loved ones to just get it.

So we skip the actual requesting part. We also skip the part where we insert an “I” into the sentence and say what we want.

This has big-time problematic effects in our relationships.

You say, “Honey, want to take some time off so we can reconnect?” when you mean, “Would you please take some time off so we can reconnect?” “Honey” has two options:

1. Answer your question literally. Honey’s answer is likely “no” since he or she probably doesn’t actively want the exact same thing you just dreamed up. The problem is, you’ll receive that no as a dismissal of what you were really feeling, which was “I’m feeling disconnected. I want to do something about it. My request is that maybe you could take time off and we could spend time together. Would you be willing to do that?”

2. The other option is for honey to play into the “code” language here and understand you are really making a request of them, even though you haven’t said it that way. This is a kind of “we know each other so well, I know what she is really saying” thing that many couples get into. They learn to read many of each other’s weird ways of saying things – through words, facial expressions, sighs, and behavior. But we don’t want to be doing interpretative guesswork about what our loved ones are saying, because a lot of the time we’ll guess wrong — and then they’ll feel misunderstood, unseen, or unloved. Guesswork also deprives us each of the powerful experience of figuring out what we want and articulating it, and the beautiful experience of being able to meet a partner’s request.

So here ‘s my challenge to you for the week:

1. No more saying, “Want to blah blah blah?” when what you really mean is, “Would you be willing to do blah blah blah?” Instead, say what you mean, “Would you be willing to do blah blah blah?”

Remember your partner can answer yes or no, and then it’s up to you to decide what you want to do from there. You may feel sad, disappointed, angry or other difficult emotions when you get a “no” – and– your partner is not responsible for your emotions. Similarly, your partner may have requests of you, and you get to answer yes or no, based on what feels right to you. They may have emotions in response to your “no” and that’s okay – you aren’t responsible for those emotions.

2. No more saying “Let’s do x” when you want to say, “I’d like to do x.’ Instead, say, “I’d like to do x.” What follows depends on the situation. It might be, “I’d like for you to come. Would you be willing to join me?” It might be, “You are welcome to come if you want.”

3. And last but not least, no more, “We should…” That statement is never, ever, true. What might be true is that there is something you want, or something you think you and so and so should do. But there is no such thing as “We should.” So say what you mean: “I’d like us to…” or “I think the right thing to do here is x.”

Use your “I’s.” Be clean in your communication: say what you mean. Start practicing the art of identifying and expressing your requests.

What do you think about giving this a try? What does this post bring up for you? Let me know in the comments.

Join Me for an Open Rehearsal

AND I have a fun invitation for you! Later this week, Jennifer Siebel Newsom and I will be giving the keynote talks at the California conference for the American Association of University Women. I am having an “open rehearsal” of my talk tomorrow morning at 8-9am PST, by conference call. If you’d like to listen in, register for free access here. The talk is about women playing bigger, about how we can step into our callings, and about how I see the next frontier of the women’s movement. Register for the open rehearsal HERE. (Note: There will be no recording of this call available, unfortunately. If you can’t attend April 10, 8-9am PST live, please stay tuned for other opportunities to listen to this content.)

Love,

Tara