It’s a milestone for me, for sure. Today there is an essay from me, based on my new book Playing Big, in The New York Times. You can read it here. Come on over!
Love,
Tara
Celebrating – The New York Times!
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That’s great Tara, well done! I heard you at BlogHer last fall and was so impressed, not only by your message, but by the way you are living it and establishing your platform communicating it!
Congrats! Solveig
I’m sorry, Tara, but to this well-seasoned woman who has certainly been through the mill for many years, you really got this one wrong. It’s not just about how one responds to criticism; it’s more about understanding exactly why you got it in the first place. The only “tool kit” a wiman needs is a strategy (and words) to beat them at their own game. I know. I have taught many women those battle skills (and a battle it is!) and watched with great pleasure as they won against the bullies out there.
You say that if a woman wants to do substantial work of any kind she’s going to be criticized, and that she must find some way of experiencing criticism that allows her to persevere in the face of it. Tara what you need to look at is that that is nothing but an adult version of bullying, and the correct answer to bullying is never to acquiesce and simply persevere. The truth is that these comments are meant not just to chastise us, but to silence us; not just to get us to “play nicely” in what they (usually men) see as “their” space, but to dominate ours.
Bravo! Tara. An important message for all of us. Thank you.
Right on, Tara. I happened to spend the whole day yesterday editing one of my book chapters (an integration of dissertation research) which precisely addresses this point – this sweet spot of gratitude and grace where our most effective tools (and for the spiritual warriors out there) I’d even say weapon – still seems to be focusing on our own wholeness and deflating the energetic attack in the confrontation by not feeding it with our own doubts and undone work. This doesn’t mean that we can’t speak up (which you just did btw and are powerfully so : ) but greater focus on battling and defending oneself often seems to perpetuate the problem because we don’t have enough time and energy left to take care of ourselves and deeply heal. All the way there with you on the path of abundance and grace and look forward to your talk with Jeffrey on wednesday. Kudos!
So happy for you Tara, you put a big smile on my face. -K
Hello Tara and community:
I believe you made excellent points in the article and offered valuable insights and advice for our development of coping mechanisms and strategies in dealing with criticism. I certainly agree that the socialization and sensitivity of women to “pleasing” or serving others makes us particularly sensitive or reactive to negative opinions.
However, I agree with Lorna’s comment that “criticism” must be distinguished from bullying, shaming, and abuse, and many of the examples of “personal” invective which you cited fall into this category. In fact, such remarks are impersonal, based on stereotypes or memes, and have a power to proliferate that leads directly to mobbing, exclusion, and silencing.
One evening I was looking casually into a shop window and a couple walked by. When the man passed a mocking comment on my appearance, his female companion protested, “It’s not nice to say that about a person.” His response: “That’s not a person, that’s a pig.”
And when you are struggling to recover from anorexia and regain your life, people who send and propagate negative messages about the amount you are eating or the size of your “pot”–a standard rhetoric of torment perfected in high school–would happily eliminate you to preserve the social complex of power, control, and constant threat that serves so many so well.
Overheard, the boyfriend coaching his girl in etiquette at the coffee shop:
“See, you were looking at your food. That’s BAD. You should be looking at ME.”
Faced with such “criticism,” who would not ache desperately for any praise or approval? While struggling, of course, doubting, questioning– striving to detect the snares of illusion and deception hidden within.
Yes, perseverance in the face of such violence is necessary, but think of the incredible losses entailed–of power and energy for the real work, the real ideas, the real transformative visions–to understand IS NOT to pardon all!
Women have lived and are living a continuous experience of trauma. This cannot denied.
Donna
I read your article with great excitement and promptly pre-ordered your book. I love your approach. I want to be strong without becoming a bully myself.
jan
As I am getting ready for my book launch, I read this article with a great amount of interest. I know I will get both praise and criticism and have been contemplating how to receive both.
This is new territory for me though I’ve observed it often as women step forth in the world with their work and I try to learn from those observations. Thank you for the article.
Congrats Tara,on your article. I never cease to wonder how to improve visibility for one’s book or article. I have a published book titled “How to love a man forever” but it seems so slow even after one year of publication. Now I am delaying publication of “How to love a Woman Forever” for fear that it may not be well received. When someone succeeds, I am glad for them and want to learn how they did it.
More grease to your elbow!
Congratulations Tara!
I am happy for your success.
Continue to enjoy, appreciate, and share.
There is enough light to go around for all women to shine and we should always applaud the light of others. Our collective glow can only shine the brighter.
“In challenging situations, she can imagine how the admired woman might respond, and thereby see some new possible responses for herself.” Love that concept of embodying the change we want to feel and continue to grow into.
Bravo, Tara. Hugely inspiring and empowering messages here. Thank you.
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