Often, when I’m working with women to help them manage their inner critics, they’ll say back to me: “But that mean voice is not my inner critic. That’s just me. That’s just how I sound as I’m thinking thoughts in my head. I’m a very critical, hard-on-myself person. I don’t think I can change that.”
I firmly believe that we are not our inner critics, that the inner critic voice is one strand of us, a fear-based strand that is not the core of who we are.
One way to think of it is this: most of us hear our inner critic thoughts in this form, “You aren’t good at that” or “You aren’t ready” or “If you do that, people will realize you don’t know what you are talking about.”
In all those statements, notice that there is a speaker and then a “you” that the speaker is addressing.
So here’s the question: who is the “you” that is listening to that critical voice? Who is the critic talking to?
If you were your critic, there would be no separate you for the critic to address its remarks to.
When the inner critic arises, there’s a speaker in us, and a listener. There’s a voice proclaiming the judgements and a voice listening to them and reacting to them – usually shrinking or getting nervous in response.
In all situations, listeners have power. They have power to believe what they hear, or question it. They have power to listen attentively, or not. They have power to listen with compassion or with defensiveness. The same is true when we are listening to the voice of the inner critic.
When we hear the voice of self-doubt, we can listen to the voice without believing it to be speaking the truth. We can even – in some moments – listen to the voice of self-doubt with great compassion for its panicky underlying fears.
Today,any time you hear a little rumble of self-criticism, whether about that email you are trying to write or your mothering or the size and shape of your upper arms, I invite you to ask yourself: Who is the “me” that is listening to the voice of self-doubt?
It’s not a question we can answer in words, at least not in my experience. But it is a question that helps us step out of the spinning. And sometimes, it takes us right into a rich silence – an opening into something much more.
Who is the “me” that is listening to the voice of self-doubt?
Love,
Tara
Lovely reminder, Tara. I wish I could recall who told me to do this because it works: ‘Just tell that negative inner voice, with compassion for it’s insecurity and fears: “Thanks for sharing.” And then move swiftly along to more loving thoughts!’
Thank you for sharing! It makes the “me” getting stronger and more and more able to make other choices! Thanks for making this clear! XX Hélène
Hey Tara,
Timely post…was just on a call with my business coach this morning about this. I described it to her as feeling “out of control in a downward tailspin.” So when I saw you use the words “stop the spinning” I knew that you’ve experienced this. Knowing that I’m not alone with this feeling is a great comfort.
And thanks for the instruction on what to actually DO to step out of the spinning: ask the question “Who is the “me” that is listening to the voice of self-doubt?”
Oh, Tara, this is beautifully worded. My new favourite quote, “In all situations, listeners have power.” That paragraph has been a door-opening in my consciousness, I kid you not. Thank you so much for doing what you do, sharing what you know. I’m listening.
Dear Tara,
Yes!
I wrote on this same topic this week too.
I asked a similar, but slightly different version of the same thing. Rather than “who is the me who is listening” (which is of course, a great question) I asked “who is the me who is talking”?
The road to self-compassion has many trail heads! With thanks, Gemma
http://gemmautting.com/2015/05/13/listening-to-yourself/
Thanks Tara,
That’s exactly what I needed to hear first thing on a Friday morning to set me off on the right foot before I tackle the day. 🙂
Thanks for this! I was asked to give a talk at a big professional gathering, and observed myself asking “Am I being auditioned? Why are they asking me? I’m not ready for the big time yet!” And then I gently, firmly, and compassionately redirected myself with “You’re ready, you’re being recognized for what you offer, and you’re going to be awesome.”
Love this, Tara. Such a helpful reminder that we are not the questioning and doubtful pieces of ourselves. That the higher Self is witness to this. Writing from a place of “Self as witness” is where my current poetry and writing projects are being birthed out of. Much inspiration to be had in that space.
Thank you so much for this, Tara!
I often think that this inner critic is an internalised critical voice we heard a lot at a very young and tender age. Perhaps a voice we heard when we could not quite stand up to any of these all-mighty authorities in our lives: parents, teachers, first lovers, etc. At least in my case, I catch myself often thinking this is not how you think, this is how the over-critical dad of your thought about you. Many thanks for all your insightful comments.xxg
Well said. I clearly know when my inner critic is front and center. I’ve learned to tell it to go sit in a corner. Not listening.
Thanks Tara. This is exactly what I needed today, find a way to silence the ‘critic in me’. For once I want to be deaf and am learning to silence this voice that does not serve me 🙂 Thank you again..
Love this! I always like the idea that you would never stay friends with someone who constantly talked down to you, so why would you allow yourself to listen to your inner critic non-stop. Great reminder thanks Tara 🙂