Maybe you’ve heard about the research on women’s likability –there’s been a lot more conversation and media attention about this topic since the publication of Lean In.
A wide range of studies show that the more assertive a woman is in her leadership or management style, the less likable she is to her peers. Men, on the other hand, are seen as perfectly likable when they behave in assertive ways. This presents a tough double bind for women, since we often need to be both assertive and likable to get things done in our careers. What’s behind this difference? The researchers hypothesize that when women violate gender norms (i.e. that women should always be kind, inclusive, listening, focused on others) we like them less.
Most often, discussions about this research have a kind of frustrated, hopeless tone to them, because, hey – what can women do about this very real and very problematic bias in our culture? Sometimes, the discussions (like this very good one) talk about one thing women can do: they can reduce their attachment to being liked, which is one of the things we are also working on this week in my Playing Big program.
But there’s something that’s been largely missing from the conversation. It has to do with how women can change this phenomenon, the power we have. No wonder it’s been left out.
The research shows it’s not just men who view assertive women as less likable. It’s both women and men. That means you and me honey.
We are a part of the problem, because we are holding women our women bosses, colleagues, direct reports, business partners, and clients to a different standard. We are likely expecting them to be nicer in the midst of a busy and stressful work day than we are expecting men to be. If a woman is gruff or emotionally unavailable or terse at work, we tax her in a way that we don’t tax the guys. If a woman makes an autocratic decision that isn’t aligned with the opinions of her team, we’ll tax her for it in a way that we wouldn’t tax a man.
I’ve heard from countless women about how the best bosses they’ve had have been men and the worst ones they’ve had have been women. I want you to consider that maybe part of the reason your relationship with those women bosses was so tough was this bias. You were holding her to a different standard, a standard you wouldn’t hold a man to. If you are human, no matter what your feminist principles, your intentions, or your narrative about “what she did,” the truth is your perception of her was shaped by your deeply conditioned assumptions – conscious or unconscious – about the always-kind, inclusive, gentle, and non-assertive way a woman should behave.
As you move through your day today, if there’s a woman your workplace you find difficult, that you don’t like, that you think is too scheming, too political, too cold, too harsh, too autocratic, and god forbid if there is a woman in your workplace you’ve ever called a bitch, an ice queen, or a ball buster – in your head or out loud – this week do something different.
When something she does bothers you, pause. In your mind, picture Grandpa Patriarch. 60 years old or so. White hair. In a senior, very powerful role in the organization. A guy known mainly not as Mr. Nice Guy but rather as a powerful leader, a great mind, and the driving force behind the success of the organization. Now picture that *he* did the same thing, whatever she did. Picture he said the same thing she said. Picture he ran the meeting that way or gave you that negative feedback or sat in the room with the same the body language she did. How would you respond to the same behavior in him? How would you interpret it if it was coming from him? Now apply that interpretation back to her.
Do this again and again, until it has overwritten the old bias you never wanted to be a carrier for anyway. Notice if the new way you relate to other women has also impacted how comfortable you feel when it comes time for you to act assertively. Has it changed how you see yourself?
And when you’ve gotten really good at this daily thought experiment, tell your male colleagues about it, and invite them to do the same.
Well said! I’m fine with assertive, powerful women. However, what I am not fine with is when people attack on a personal level. From men or women, that behavior is unacceptable in any environment.
i can deal with assertive woman, what i can’t deal with are the woman, who feel it’s okay to flaunt themselves and kiss up to the bosses – big time, in order to get ahead. I am 1 of only 2 saleswomen in my organization, the other being quite young. The other salespeople (myself included)are not appreciative of her in the least, actually cannot stand her. please, how do you deal with this?
Appreciate your approach here, Tara.
It’s not a male or female thing, bias issues belong to both. Breaking down biases within us is hard work, specific to each of us. Noticing how you react to people in general – why you react the way you do, and how much of your reaction is something you need to own, not of the other person or anything they did “wrong.”
Thanks for the conversation! Hope you’re doing well!
“If a woman is gruff or emotionally unavailable or terse at work, we tax her in a way that we don’t tax the guys”
I actually don’t agree. I hold men and women to the same standards – which is that I don’t expect harsh or gruff or insensitive behavior from either one. And I believe that men can and should try to embody “feminine” gender norms(inclusive, listening, kind) as much as women. I think what we need is more balance, not giving women permission to be as nasty as men have been allowed to be.
Maybe we believe the same thing, but say it differently. At any rate, thank you for opening up this conversation. Grateful for your thoughts.
Christina – I hear you, and I encourage you to try the thought experiment with the saleswoman and see what you discover.
How can you be sure you hold women and men to the same standards? Most people think they do, but the research shows unconscious bias is powerful and pervasive (some examples here http://reducingstereotypethreat.org). I really believe one of the steps we all need to take is accepting own subtle, unconscious bias.
This is really good food for thought. Perhaps it is true that we shouldn’t be accepting of ‘bullying’ behavior from men or women, that we should acknowledge it for what it is regardless of the status of the person putting it out,but I believe I personally am less tolerant of it from women. I did not realize that until this moment.
That goes two ways. My female supervisor is much harder on those around her and holds them to much higher standards than a male in her position would, and the standards she expects are higher than she can live up to herself. At least in our office, I believe it is this discrepancy that earns her the additional tax, which she deserves.
To me all relationships should consist of three things to be successful…kindness, respect and appreciation.Expect nothing less for yourself and you will do well in life.
Because I’ve been in a work situation with a man and a woman who both displayed this behavior, and I found it equally unacceptable in both.
I do agree with you that there is a bias in terms of our unspoken expectations based on gender. I probably am more disturbed by certain behavior from women because I do generally expect women to be more nurturing and considerate. But the fact that there is a bias doesn’t make the behavior acceptable. I don’t expect a pass for certain kinds of behavior any more than I think a man should have one.
I agree that many times we hold women to a higher standard. But there are also cases where a woman in charge is just mean and petty. I like your thought exercise because if done honestly it can help differentiate between the two.
Madeleine Albright, former Secretary of State under the Clinton Administration, was asked a few years ago how she was able to negotiate during several of the Middle East conferences, when a great majority of those leaders didn’t even recognize women. She replied that “she worked very well with all the world leaders that she met with, but that there was a ‘very special place in hell for many of the women that she had to deal with on a day-to-day basis.'” I laughed heartily, knowing of what she spoke having worked in corporate America for years.
It prompted me to want to write a book; I was going to title it, “Petty, Petty, Petty.” Interviews with women and their relationships with other women in the workforce. But having grown up in the Ms. Magazine generation, I could never figure out how to write the interviews without sounding like I was putting down women. I wanted to empower women, enlighten them in the workforce. So, I never finished the book because it was too negative. How to get a positive spin on all these women’s petty putdowns of each other. Not where I wanted to go.
Tara your article is spot on. BUT this is a topic that has been discussed for some 30 years among women in the workforce. Go have a sit down with Gloria Steinem. She will nod and nod. With forward thinkers like yourself, maybe we are finally ready to acknowledge our bias of other women, our sisters, as opposed to how we see men in our places of employment.
Sometimes an a-hole is just and a-hole…
I think you are way off the mark. I worked over 40yrs, and some of the WORST bosses I had were men……….and only one was a woman. The bad woman boss was a supervisor that was insane and should have been in an asylum. she caused a reign of terror in our office for men and women alike. The male bosses that were bad were totally selfish, self centered types.
A GOOD boss is someone who can treat employees with respect. That doesn’t mean you don’t expect people to get work done well and in a timely manner. It means you don’t treat people like slaves.
That has nothing to do with being a male or female. It has to do with being a decent human being.
Well articulated and I have the same feelings and experiences.
The idea of visualizing is powerful. The concept of reconsidering a women’s power in the work place is vital. However, you leave out an essential element. Behaving like men, by embracing the Grandpa Patriarch image/behavior, will not lift woman up. Women will be advanced most effectively by working against this patriarchal stereotype and embracing a nurturing, shared-leadership model and turning this outdated, hierarchical, at times emotionally violent behavior into a more evolved and caring way to lead and advance professionally and personally.
It goes both directions. Sometimes women bosses don’t tolerate an assertive, strong woman as one of their direct reports either. I’ve worked for many men and women and done so without problems, but my last boss was a woman who expected me to take the initiative, but would then punish me for being too assertive or strong. If I hadn’t already had many bosses previously who where good and affirmed that my strength was good and appropriate, I might have thought I needed to be the one changing and becoming more “demure.” However, by the time I left I realized that she felt that somehow I threatened her power, especially since her view of how things should be done was very narrow, set, and lacking in an openness to the effectiveness of other people’s processes.
Thank you for writing this! Subconscious gender bias is something I have been thinking about for a while, and have been wondering how to share my thoughts on it with people. Some people I talk to don’t agree that feminism is still relevant, and that women in power have a problem getting there, other than not “wanting” to put in that many hours. This is something concrete that we can all think about, and hopefully improve ourselves!
I expect certain traits from leaders: having a vision, setting a direction, coaching/mentoring, support for results not how I do it (no micro-managing), treating me with respect and dignity, and providing constructive feedback that is not shaming or belittling. I’ve had one female boss and one male booswho were both excellent leaders. I’ve had mediocre bosses of both genders and one female boss who should not have been in a leadership position. I don’t like abruptness in leaders. To me it’s not a gender thing in terms of leadership. It’s about being authentic, inspirting, a people leader, who is even tempered, objective, rational, and a great listener. I don’t think women have to act like men to be successful leaders. There are general characteristics that all leaders should have.
You say a wide range of studies. link to any? stats? sources? Bullshit then
Hello Tara and community:
I just want to say that my finest boss was an amazing woman, the entrepreneurial owner/president of a small graphics company, who had a tremendous emotional and professional range–combining masculine assertiveness, toughness, strategy and sagacity with creativity, adaptability, sexiness, nurture, and empathetic insight. Did she ever bully, exploit, humiliate or manipulate her staff? Yes–but she never lost my respect, loyalty, or admiration; somehow she made it known, almost subliminally, that it was a necessary part of the game of business–and keeping us all in business!
Here’s to you, Bev!
Maybe that’s a key–it’s not the hand that any leader is dealt in terms of gender, personality, etc., but how skillfully and perceptively he/she learns to play it, in what context, with whom.
Thanks for this great forum–
Donna
I really dug this article until the Grandpa Patriarch envisioning exercise. As Lisa mentions above, it is an actual perpetuation of the patriarchy–exactly that which you are attempting to minimize with this article. Why not encourage women to do more internal work–addressing issues of jealousy and fear–that is actually productive? Why not request a quiet, private meeting with the offending woman to respectfully get on the same page with her? Perhaps then her behavior will become less threatening to you and you will have another female ally in the workplace. Flex those communication skills instead of scheming to destroy one another or pasting imaginary faces where they don’t belong.
Thank-you Tara for igniting the discussion. The envisioning exercise reminded me of one of my hopes – that we fast outgrow the need and urge for organizations that support and call for the kind of behavior described in the “Grandpa Patriarch” – no matter which gender engages in that behavior. To be more blunt – I hope this kind of organization melts away faster than the Artic ice cap. Along with the economic and finance concepts that are both embedded in and support organizations that reward that kind of behavior.
As a whole and as individuals (and all our relations in the natural world) we will benefit greatly from behavior within and between organizations that embodies a different kind of strength than that in the portrayal – a strength that is in part derived from and through compassion experienced, and nurturance and vitality honored. From my vantage working in environmental affairs, particularly climate change, but also sustainable economic development, water supply and endangered species protection I can not overemphasize the need for deep organizational change. Perhaps one of our greatest challenges is to step into ways that both honor relationship while “getting stuff done”.
A friend linked this on Facebook asking men and women to read the piece, and I thought after looking at the comment section that a male voice might not be out of line. I have for the majority of my working life worked with and under Female bosses, supervisors, leaders. Most were doing their best to be good leaders, good bosses. I liked most of them. Some were idiots. Some were at their hearts evil minions of Baal who were willing to sacrifice anything and any one to keep themselves safe. Oddly enough the male superiors I’ve had to deal with could be described in the same way. Every boss who has had the place of leadership has encountered moments when a choice has to be made – be the boss or be the leader. The supervisor who realizes the difference and acts most often on the side of leadership will be followed, liked or not. Bosses are tolerated.
I am not naïve. I see gender bias and know that there are some people who will fall into the trap no matter what. I know that some women have trouble dealing with gender differences. But, Heaven help us, there are way too many men who fit into the same box. I guess I’m the exception, but I like most people. Over the years I have been able to say what I had to say to bosses/leaders without ever having to resort to disliking an assertive supervisor because s/he is – male, female, LGBT, Asian, African, European, Christian, Hindu, Jewish, Muslim. Any of those variables can make a huge difference in the way an individual operates within a situation. Beneath them all is a person who can confirm or deny the biases people bring to the interaction. As Martha says we have to be “getting stuff done.”
Ball Buster
demanding woman who destroys men’s confidence
A female who humiliates, belittles, injures, chastises, dihabilitates, or otherwise causes distress to a man through non-physical means.
urbandictionary . com
And no I don’t want this from any man either
I’ve done that. A few times I asked my boss and other collegues: “would you ever have said/done that to another senior MALE manager?” The answer? A laugh. I’m a senior technical responsible/manager and I work in the engineering maledominated field. I’ve tried it all and nothing seemed to work. The only way for me to stay in charge was to stop reviewing the work (=correcting their mistakes) of my “all male” team and approve everything with a big smile and thank you. Really? And yes, I was always grateful for their work, friendly and supportive. I had a consultive managemenet style, assertive and -they say- with excellent negotiation skills. My boss even told me once that he learned from me how important is to empower the team. Even though everybody was saying that technically I was outstanding (got that in my appraisals) I was undermined and challenged at all corners. S, to summarise: I was a very good technical responsible and very likeble manager. Was that making any difference? Nope. I still wonder what else? What else can a woman do?
It’s hard to find your articles in google. I found it on 20 spot,
you should build quality backlinks , it will help you to rank to google top 10.
I know how to help you, just search in google – k2 seo tips
and tricks
When the lady bosses treat me like I am dirt and the men don’t treat me like I am dirt, I don’t like them. The ones I have had have thrown coats at me, wanted me to carry their stuff, tell them how to do everything and taken all the credit, and none of this ever happened with any of my male bosses. No bias, just the truth. When they act like they are above it all and that I am a slave, I hate them.